If I were to describe the plot details to you beat by beat, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom would sound absolutely insane in all the best ways. From its gothic horror influences to its bizarre third act revelations, it seems like the perfect way to not only put the franchise back on track, but to finally move away from trying to recapture what Steven Spielberg’s 1993 classic and instead create something genuinely new and exciting. However, that ultimately isn’t the case.

The basic setup of the film is simple enough. It’s three years after the events of Jurassic World, a volcano smack dab in the middle of Isla Nublar has become active after being dormant for so long, putting the dinosaurs in jeopardy. Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) are hired by John Hammond’s former colleague, Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell) and his young, ambitious associate, Eli Mills (Rafe Spall) to assist in a mission that can save the dinosaurs. And as things usually go in these movies, ulterior motives are revealed, and things get complicated from there.

I am not a fan of what Colin Trevorrow did with Jurassic World back in 2015, and I’m baffled it has as many fans as it did. However, bringing in J.A. Bayona to do the sequel was a move that at the very least garnered my curiosity. Admittedly, I’m not a fan of Bayona either, but I can acknowledge that he is a skilled filmmaker, far ahead of anything Trevorrow is capable of. Plus, the horror vibes he brought to the film brings him back to his roots, evoking the eeriness of his debut – and as far as I’m concerned, his only great movie – The Orphanage.

Unfortunately, Bayona is still at the mercy of a script by Trevorrow and his frequent collaborator, Derek Connolly. This is basically the root of all the film’s problems. Bayona can make as many attempts to generate suspense, but it won’t work because the characters simply aren’t worth rooting for. Pratt and Howard have done great work before, but the material given to them is flat and very one-note. They don’t even show much growth within the time between the events of the last film and this.

Owen is still the casually sexist, charmless, Indiana Jones knock-off who is perfect in every way and right about everything from the previous film. The film also works overtime to really hammer in how important and emotional Owen’s relationship to Blue the Velociraptor is, but it’s tries way too hard to be as effective as it needed to be. Claire is…somehow not in jail considering how she was partially responsible for the deaths of many people (yeah, there is a mention of an $800 million settlement, but that does not feels weirdly small). She runs an organization devoted to preserving the dinosaurs while the government debates on whether to help or let the dinos die. Her sudden love of dinosaurs, considering her indifference in the last film, feels off, and doesn’t seem like the logical conclusion to where her character would go, even if a guilty conscious element is at play.

But our leads aren’t alone on this. The supporting character manage to be even worse. They’re just a collection of personality-free pawns used to make certain plot points come into play. I was excited when I learned Justice Smith was going to be in the film because he’s a very gifted actor, which you can see in full force in Netflix’s The Get Down, but here, he plays the kind of nervous ninny who is constantly either in the verge of having a panic attack or having a high-pitched screaming fit. It gets old very fast. Daniella Pineda threatens to bring some energy and likability to the movie, but she quickly gets thrown to the side, as the movie has an entire chunk in the second half of the film where both she and Smith are completely forgotten about. It was reported that Pineda’s character was a lesbian, but the scene revealing it was removed. At first, I was annoyed because I find that to be a awful trend in recent blockbusters, but having heard what the dialogue was, it was probably for the best.

If the characters were at least somewhat interesting or compelling, it wouldn’t change the fact that the film takes some fun and wacky ideas, which I would be totally down for, and executes them in the most banal and boring way possible. Each moment where I become interested in what was going on, it would lose me moments later because it’s like the film simply refuses to be creative. Like one particularly crazy reveal that happens in the final act (you’ll know when you see it) involving one of the new characters. It’s out there, but I was more than willing to go with it. However, the reveal isn’t there to inform character or to do anything meaningful, it’s only there so that a very specific choice can be made in the very end. We learn nothing else about this character.

All the attempts that Bayona makes in at least giving the film a good look and some killer haunted house atmosphere isn’t enough to disguise the underwhelming nature of everything that’s occurring. Plus, you’ll have a lot of the nonsensical beats that we see in these movies, like giant dinosaurs somehow managing to sneak up on people, or characters making decisions that don’t fit what we know about them or the situation they’re in, or how the film practically repeats story beats or imagery from previous films (mostly The Lost World, and the final act of Jurassic Park) without doing anything fresh to them. Also, I could’ve sworn I heard Isla Sorna being name dropped at one point early in the film. If that island is still canon, then why wasn’t it ever an option to just take the dinosaurs there?

Oh, and by the way, if you were excited about the return of Jeff Goldblum’s character, Ian Malcolm, boy do I have bad news for you. We see him twice, and they’re both footage from his testimony to the government. Unlike the recent Hotel Artemis, where he took his few scenes and was able to add in depth and nuance, he is only used here to talk about why this movie shouldn’t exist. So, it’s about as thankless a role as you can get.

Is Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom better or worse than Jurassic World? I honestly don’t know. With Jurassic World, I was very actively irritated by it while Fallen Kingdom just made me bored and indifferent. The only times I was ever emotionally engaged is whenever the film makes a choice that can garner a reaction without putting in much effort. Yes, I too was sad when the one brontosaurus was left on the island to die, but the movie doesn’t ever earn a moment like that, they’re all short cuts. I like what Bayona was going for with some of the gothic imagery in the second half, but the thing that really kills the film is simply it being devoid of character-driven pathos, poignancy, or wit, that I couldn’t muster up the energy to ever care. As far as disposable entertainment goes, I suppose there is worse out there, but even by the standards of schlock, it’s shockingly forgettable. It does end on a note that could make for a fun sequel, so long as Trevorrow keeps his hands off – oh, wait, nevermind.